He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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