My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
