i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
