Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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