My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
