I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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