in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
