can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
