Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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