did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
