theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
