Rock
Scissors
Fuck
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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