I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
