did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
