Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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