Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have fence marks all over my body
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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