If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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