I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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