So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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