i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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