I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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