So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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