Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
