It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
