this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
