I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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