So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
BRING THE BAGELS
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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