dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
