dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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