Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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