I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
