Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
