Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
