I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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