I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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