I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
