I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
