I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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