my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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