Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
