The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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