I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
