I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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