It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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