I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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