so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
