My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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