How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
