oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
