I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
