Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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