Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
