I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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