you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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