walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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