In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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