Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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