He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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