Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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