They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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