a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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