I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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