Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sext me about skeletons
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
